I’m sitting in a puddle of sadness. It’s not a pit, or an ocean, or even a pond. It’s just a puddle. I step into it daily, and I get splashed by my own tears. The funeral is over, the nice words were said, the flowers are dead, but my heart aches over a loss that is so significant to me. After all, I’m grieving the loss of the first person that ever held me.
I’ve lost a family member before so I knew that this would hurt, but no one could prepare, not even me, the obsessive planner could prepare for this kind of pain. Those who have already been there have told me, you won’t get over it. You’ll get used to it; you’ll even accept it…eventually. But you won’t get over it. And I guess that’s the way it should be. No one should really ever get over the loss of their mother. But I really like to get on with things and cross things off my list, so I thought I would get through this grief thing a little quicker than the average bear. Depending on who you ask, there are 5-7 stages to grief, and I was ready to get it done because sitting in sadness is not my thing. But there are some things in life you just can’t check off your list, and I’m thinking grief just might be one of them.
I tell my Savior daily that I needed more time to prepare and 39 days was not enough to find out my mom has cancer and take her from this earth. I prefer to know things in advance so I can plan out my coping skills for such life changing events. And in the same breath, I thank Him for the blessing of “it happened so fast” and a life that was fully lived until the end. But my heart is exhausting my body with its tiresome ache. This ache can’t be relieved with aspirin or Advil, but sometimes the Father sends a song or two at just the right time to sooth my cracked up heart and remind me of the healing that happened on January 12th.
And in those moments, I sit in the glitter…
In mansions of glory and endless delight, I’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright; I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow, If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.